According to this article – How Not to Talk to Your Kids – quit praising them! The policy in our home is that if you want to feel good about yourself, do something worthwhile. And that attitude is apparently backed up by actual scientific research. The article details the actual harm it does to simply tell your children they are smart. It’s far better to praise them in sincere and specific ways for things that they actually did, not for what they are.
Praising kids for what they are is silly in any event. Sometimes adults will comment to me that my daughter is beautiful. I find that extremely awkward. What am I supposed to say? I didn’t do it. She has no control over that either, other than grooming. God made her the way she is, and it seems very peculiar to accept praise for what He did. My stock answer to these well-meaning people is “How kind of you to say so!” To praise her because she is beautiful is equivalent to praising her because she is white, or female, or human. All qualities she has no control over. But worse… because if she ever suffered an accident that affected her appearance, or just continues to age and her looks go, if the way she thinks of herself is wrapped up in her appearance, she’ll have nothing.
Praising a child for beauty is setting them up for a big fall. This is not materially different from praising children for being smart. Whether or not it’s accurate, people think of intelligence as a defined quality like appearance. You’re smart, or not. Praising a child for being smart actually takes away credit for the work they did. It doesn’t count – it was expected, because they’re smart. And if they fail, it’s not their fault – they just aren’t smart enough. So there’s no motivation to work harder, and all the reason in the world to lower expectations and try something easier – or don’t try at all.
It’s an excellent article. Go read it all.
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