A Deep Dissatisfaction

By anyone’s standards, I am one of the luckiest women you will ever meet. I’m about to celebrate my fifteenth wedding anniversary with a man who I’ve known since I was 16 years old, and who I love more today than when I married him. And he makes it clear by his word and his deed that he feels the same. I have a daughter, 17 years old, who is intelligent, witty, and talented. Although many parents I know dread the teen years, she is an absolute pleasure to be around. I’m enjoying better health now than I have in years.  I love my little house. It’s small, but in a quiet neighborhood, close enough into town to get pretty much anywhere in twenty minutes. There are some renovations I would very much like to do eventually, but it’s in very good shape for a house that’s fifty years old.  My church is biblically sound, vibrant, and led by Godly men.  I do work which is usually engaging and enjoyable, and I’m able to do it from my home.  Whenever clients finally get around to paying what they owe, I’ll have made a nice profit this quarter.  I live in the greatest country in the world, where I am free to enjoy all these things with minimal government interference.

And yet…

In spite of every amazing blessing I enjoy, I’m deeply dissatisfied with my life right now.  There’s one huge item missing in the list up above.  The most important thing, in fact.  God.  I dropped the daily bible study several weeks ago, and in fact haven’t even been to church.  I’ve been working 7 days a week trying to get several big projects completed by the end of the year, when I will merge my business with someone else’s and start the new year with a new partner.  My language, always a barometer of my spiritual condition, has gotten increasingly worse.  I have a cynical attitude, a propensity to gossip, an inclination to believe the worst of others, an attraction to mindless entertainment, and I’m worrying over things that I have no control over.

Everything in my life is looking up - except me.  I’ve been here before.  I know what to do about it.  But (as much as I am able, given my current condition) I yearn toward the day that I finally stop all this and wholeheartedly focus on what will matter for eternity.